Summer Nuts: Odes, Elegy, Haiku, and other collected works from the Dut Kids Poem Book... Spring in Jersey Edition

The ducklings cascade from the tree
On-toward their mother they must flee
            Wings flap away with vigor
            Soon enough they will grow bigger
Like Meadow's ass in season three

The winter's end is never balked
For miles in spring sun I've walked
         The leaving snow reveals green grass
         Found Vito with a pool cue up his ass
That pool cue, I wonder if it was chalked

Fun With Vandersloot

STIMULUS PACKAGE

THE STIMULUS PACKAGE

Summer Nuts: Odes, Elegy, Haiku, and other collected works from the Dut Kids Poem Book...

A fine ass appeared and then vanished,

my fancy imagined it Spanish,

    I yelled "Byotch slow down!"

    but when SHE turned around,

Her face was way way way too mannish.

It's Fucking Cold.

Let your Chester be your fire. Let your Chester guide you.

Dut-finitions

Shbieber- (pronounced:just like it's spelled, also Shuh-bieber, or She-bieber)

            def: a she-Bieber, woman with a Bieber haircut, often seen toting Dodge Caravans full of punk bastards to birthday parties at Friendly's.

            usage: "I'm gonna fuck me that Shbieber over there, the same way I'm gonna fuck me the real Bieber."

Happy Martin Luther Wing Day!

This Monday remeber to kick back, enjoy yourself, maybe take a little trip to AC but always be mindful to enjoy the all the flavors life has to offer.

MTV found liable in enabling alcoholism in handicapped

 (Click Above For The Shocking Story)

 Dummy Stuff

I'm not technically sexually active, but I always manage to work something out.

Ignatius Reilly Excited Over Zsa Zsa's Loss of Leg 

"Once these Quacks extract Ms.Gabor's leg from her body this piece will surely be my Holy Grail of celebrity organ-iana! I vow to never be outbid again!" Reilly was still visibly shaken over having lost the chance to purchase Lady Gaga's penile and testicular remnants at the last celebrity auction he attended.

HAPPY NUT-YEAR, From all of us nuts at NOTTNKs!

Remember to stay worm,

Eat some good food,

 Toast your Champagne,

And share time with the one's you love.

On The 12th Day Of ColesMas My True Love Gave To Me  ...... Twelve Pats On The Back

Twelve Christmas Thank You's!

Forget all that junk I wrote yesterday, during the night I was visited by the ghost of my old drinking partner Jacob "Ryan" Moranly, and he informed me through very spooky means that if I did not change my ways and stop alienating the four of your that read this web site that I would be doomed like him wear chains for all eternity of something(?). I brushed that off as the hoog talking and went to sleep, but while I slept I had three terrible indigestion dreams, which I can only blame on myself and my delicious lasagna. The first dream I was a little kid, and it was Christmas morning and I had gotten the GI Joe Terror Drome and it was so sick, you could like fit all your guys in it, and there were jails for the GI Joes and a throne for Cobra Commander(or Serpentor, whom ever you deemed leader of Cobra-La could sit there). It was a dope Christmas memory!

Then I had a dream about now-a-days, and I saw all these dumb people who got nothing for Christmas, and I was like you people suck I got a bunch of good shit. 

Then I had my final and most terrifying dream, I dreamt that people got sick of reading about dicks and butts and th government shut down our web site cause it was too cool for them and cause they're gay. It made me totally change my thinking about this whole Christmas thing.

And you know that old Coles, with his Coles-feet ice-coles in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so? It came without ribbons! It came without tags! "It came without packages, boxes or bags!" And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore. Then the Coles thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. "Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...? Well...in Who-ville they say That the Coles's small heart Grew three sizes that day! And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight, He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast! And he...

...HE HIMSELF...! The Coles carved the roast beast!

MERRY CHRISTMAS JERKS!

On The 11th Day Of ColesMas My True Love Gave To Me......Eleven Pictures Of Hardeen

“It’s an engaging action yet if he wasn’t Houdini’s brother, nobody’d give a fuck.”

On The 10th Day Of ColesMas My True Love Gave To Me......Ten Ruu-uush Albuuuu-uu-uums

On The 9th Day Of ColesMas My True Love Gave To Me......Nine Newman Stories

On The 8th Day Of ColesMas My True Love Gave To Me......Eight Tiny Hot Wings

Like Santa's reindeer, these reliable little bastards are all I need to make it a very merry christmas. Tiny wings are the gifts that keep on giving, crispy, perfect for dipping and the flavor has no where to hide. Superior to the larger wing in that more can be consumed and you don't run the risk of the dreaded 'water wing'. Water wings are when the wings themselves are slightly under cooked, leaving you with a wet slimy wing constancy both inside and out, gross. No my friends, smaller is better in the wing world, hmmmmm, Wing World, I like the sound of that. P.S. Fuck Work Wings Too!

On The 7th Day Of ColesMas My True Love Gave To Me......7th Son of a 7th Son

 The aptly titled seventh studio album by heavy metal legends Iron Maiden would show well in any Christmas stocking. With a highly conceptual tone revolving around the myth of such an 7th born son it also makes for a very Nut Kid approriate album. Seven sons, Ryan, Michael, David, Ian, Robbert, Brian and Eric, the seventh one of the seven sons, he was is born the seventh one, born of woman the seventh son, and he in turn of a seventh son, he has the power to heal, he has the gift of the second sight, he is the chosen one, so it shall be written, so it shall be done, [guitar and bass continues], [then guitar solo].

   On The 6th Day Of ColesMas My True Love Gave To Me......Six Bullied Tee-ee-eens 

A topic way too hot to leave off our list. Now-a-days you can't throw a wadded-up piece of toilet paper or post a slanderous facebook message without hitting one of these little faggots. Where bullying used to be the natural selection of the playground now a days it's turned into a fucking charity case, classified like battered women or those rotten homeless(GET A JOB!). On the bright side maybe some of you weinerie little kids can ride your bullied niche and write some cheesy pop-rap that white teens(mostly those who would do the bullying) will pretend to identify with. Someday people might go see your movies, buy your albums, or dare I say read your (insert laugh sound here) book. You'll be all tough and edgy but that will eventually drive fans away so you'll need to 'struggle' with drugs and alcohol to get sympathy and people will be like "He's so brave now, I really respect him as a artist". BBBBBLLLLAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!

   On The 5th Day Of ColesMas My True Love Gave To Me......FIVE GOLDEN JEWS!

You might think it odd to have Jews as gifts for Christmas but wasn't Jesus a Jew, eh', think about it, pretty clever if I do say so myse.......wait, what, offensive? No, that isn't offensive, Jew isn't offensive, it's an abbrev, your know, like Doc is short for Doctor, or Jap is short for Japanese. No one cares anymore anyway, we elected a black for a president, people have a sense of humor about this stuff now.

  On The 4th Day Of ColesMas My True Love Gave To Me......Foooo-ooour Hooo-oo-ooorsemee-ee-en

 

The Four Horsemen formed in January 1986 with Ric Flair, with Flair's storyline cousins Arn Anderson and Ole Anderson, and Tully Blanchard, with James J. Dillon as their manager. They feuded with Dusty Rhodes (breaking his ankle and hand), Magnum TA, Barry Windham, The Rock 'n' Roll Express (breaking Ricky Morton's nose), Nikita Koloff (injuring his neck), and The Road Warriors. Dusty Rhodes, Animal, Hawk, Ronnie Garvin and many others fought Ric Flair for the NWA World Heavyweight Title during that time period. They usually had most of the titles in the NWA, and they often bragged about their success (in the ring and with women) in their interviews.

The Four Horsemen moniker was not planned from the start. Due to time constraints at a television taping, production threw together an impromptu tag team interview of Flair, the Andersons, Tully Blanchard and Dillon; all were now united after Ole Anderson returned and, along with Flair and Arn, tried to break Dusty's leg during a wrestling event at the Omni in Atlanta during the summer of 1985. It was during this interview that Arn said something to the effect of "The only time this much havoc had been wreaked by this few a number of people, you need to go all the way back to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!"[1] The comparison and the name stuck. Nevertheless, Arn has said in an RF Video shoot interview that he, Flair and Blanchard were as close as anybody could be away from the ring while they were together. They lived the gimmick outside of the arena, as they took limos and jets to the cities in which they wrestled. Baby Doll was Flair's valet for a couple of months in 1986, after previously managing Tully Blanchard during 1985.

 On The 3rd Day Of ColesMas My True Love Gave To Me......Third Coldest Beer 

The legend of the third coldest beer harkens back to our ancestors, who when they drank knew that the First Coldest would be a completely freezing beer and wasn't a good thing, also that the Second Coldest was always a wild card, usually leading to a flat or skunked beer but the Third Coldest was a guaranteed ticket to paradise. To this day the tradition of third coldest beer is preformed anytime beer is cooled, preferably in Igloo brand coolers covering in ice. When the receiver of the 3rd coldest finds this beer the National Anthem of the Third Coldest beer is sung in honor of those who's beers are not as tasty, cold, or are too cold.

 On The 2nd Day Of ColesMas My True Love Gave To Me......2 lbs.of Smoked Cheee-eee-eeese

Smoked cheese is always such a fine gift, also it makes for a very pleasurable appetizer at social gatherings. If you find yourself at such a gathering and smoked cheese is made available you can maximize your cheese intake and not look like a slob by employing a technique I like to call "The Cheese Barker". It's where you eat a few pieces of the cheese, then wait for someone to walk by, when this happens immediately tell them something like "Hey man, this is some great Gouda, you gotta try this!" and once they try it and enjoy it you can begin to eat some with them, all the while they are not thinking you are a slob but actually a very helpful party friend. Repeat this process until you have had your fill or until the cheese is gone.

On The 1st Day Of ColesMas My True Love Gave To Me......A Copy Of Planetary 19

No Really, Karen, I really need a copy of Planetary 19, It was a limited printing and there aren't that many around. I have all the other issues and I just need this one. Here I'll include a link, just click the picture of the book and it will bring you to ebay, make sure you search for lowest first, only pay around $15-$20 with shipping.

 Cole's Law #49

Always............

All-Hallow Nuts: Odes, Elegy, Haiku, and other collected works from the Dut Kids Poem Book...

  

Jack-O-Lantern shinging bright

Sometimes giving you a fright

    Now that I am all alone

    This goard I will discreetly bone

I like the pumpkins that are tight
 

 The Gift of the Nut-Eye ---- by K. Malo

Whitey and Forgey can finally hang out again on a one on one basis. Oh, but who's got the time these days.

 Cole's Law #12

Borrow your homeboy's Costco card.

Ignatius Reilly Extremely Perturbed Over Halloween Promotion

"The chicanery of these Nutkids has gone too far this time! I refuse to promote this tawdry website or this heathen holiday any longer. Furthermore my girth seems to have prohibited my arms access to the slide fastener and I was forced to defecate in this wretched depiction of a legume!"
 

It is said that those who live in houses of glass should refrain from throwing stones, but what am I supposed to do? Being a stone thrower is the only way I know how to make a descent living, how would I take care of my family? STOP TELLING ME HOW TO DO MY JOB!

It is said that we are what we eat

My friend Ping gets annoyed when I call everything he eats Chinese food

Then he says some crap about his parents are from Korea or something

Oh Ping, will you ever learn

Return of the Stimulus Package

A Brief Encounter w/ Guidette Gina Marie Calvina

Summer Nuts: Odes, Elegy, Haiku, and other collected works from the Dut Kids Poem Book...

snow will fall

before the sun arises

before the flowers bloom

before the birds return

but amidst all our changing seasons

of life

you still got that hairlip

and get it up I shall not

the child asks the old sage

"how is it your wisdom remains unchanged

while the world around us spins out of control?"

the old one responded,

"my son, I'll be honest,

ride my jammy and I'll tell you."

Ignatius Reilly Bored as Shit of Jerk Website

"If you extend my tedium with your lack of new content you can consider your site's 'favorite' status relegated to my recycle bin, Post Haste!"

"Career... OVER!"

...and it appears to be true.

The once promising "music" career of model turned singer Oksana Grigorieva appears to be dead in the water. This comes directly from the mouth of her chief financial backer and baby daddy, Melvin Gibson.

Gibson, an academy award winning actor/director/producer who is known far and wide in Hollywood circles as a stalwart of various charitable foundations (including People For Christ), had apparently done all he could to help launch Ms. Grigorieva's new song based platform, including plying thousands of dollars her way, but in the end, the plug had to be pulled. This comes despite the fact that he had been "so fucking good to her" for what was going on several years, and she had returned, in favor, by being a "cunt, bitch, goldigger, cunt, whore."

Oksana, who really should have just blown him because he deserves it, has reportedly been prescribed "a fucking bat to the side of the head." In addition, she has required her former lover's services for protection against "a pack of niggers" and the rape thereof, due, in large part, to her tight clothing and fake tits, which she can keep if she wants, despite being told they look stupid in a not so rare moment of honesty from Mr. Gibson himself.

Time will tell what affect this will have on the future endeavors of Mel's varied and frenetic scheduling, including the Jodie Foster directed movie "The Beaver"

...about a man who is growing uncomfortably, delusionally close to his beaver hand puppet (this, like the rest of this piece, is entirely non-fictional), but here's praying to the lord and savior Jesus Christ himself that she does not drag People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive 1985 down with her "dysfunctional cunt."

 Revived Lilith Fair Festival Forced to Cancel Dates in Ten Cities

 Oh, and I had the, uh, chicken salad for lunch. With some almonds. 

PILOT EPISODE OF ABC'S NEW FLAGSHIP SHOW "WHEREWOLF?" MEETS WITH LESS THAN FAVORABLE RESPONSE

     The hype has been all over the internets for months. The names "Seymour Prunce Chadley" and "Dante Peppermint" has been googled more times than Barrrrrrrrak Obama or Mel Gibson. The entire world has been all a-buzz about werewolves. The chinese t-shirt company Snake Cobra Dragon Ghengis Noodle Shirt Shirts sold over seven million copies of their run of a shirt featuring an image of Chadley and Peppermint oiling up a female werewolf in a sexy cop costume with the caption "Anywherewolf You Wanna Put It, Boys".

     The shop manager, who speaks a tiny bit of english, commented on the craze. "Americans stupid for wolf that is man that is wolf. Children make shirts here. Childrens are beat, shirts printed. I drive ferrari."

     The ratings were through the roof, breaking any previous record by any pilot episode ever. "When we got the initial numbers in after the episode aired, I thought to myself 'well, my coke problem is only going to get worse. I hope my wife isn't a bitch about it.'", says ABC executive Doug Fingers.

     Seymour was optimistic after the initial airing of the episdoe. "Man, we really got something here. I knew the world was ready for a werewolf show, but I had no idea how ready they actually were. The combination of my natural charisma and Dante's mouth jazz translated to the television incredibly well. This is gonna be epic!". Peppermint also shared Chadley's enthusiasm. "Come here and get an earful, turkeys. Peppermint gonna yell at ya real nice. This show is smoovin', idiots. Youz gonna watch each week.".

     The episode began with our hunting duo in Little Rock, Arkansas. After receiving a tip from a local resident, the boys heading over to a private residence on the other side of the city to investigate a possible werewolf sighting.

     "We stopped on the way at a gas station to grabs some brews and snacks. Needed to fuel up for the first werewolf confrontation, man. And, holy shit, Dante sure can eat a shitload of beef jerky. I never saw that coming.", says Chadley.

     "Look look look look look, that cracker Seymour needs to let the beef jerkay thang go. Peppermint got a little tickle on his tongue for some beef jerkay and indulged himself. No need to blow up my spot. Ignorant honkey."

     After about a half hour drive, the duo arrived in a quaint little neighborhood that Peppermint described as "a place where nigger-haters live" and pulled up to the address they were given by their werewolf informant. The residence belonged to Sandy and Bart Taucomete and their daughter Sclarf (pictured below).

     Sclarf, pictured above with cupcake, was resistant at first. "Whens we gots in the house, that little hillbilly wolfsgirl wouldn't come out from under the bed, but her father Bart done banged on some pots and pans until she freaked da fuck outs and came out.", says Peppermint.

     "Bro, the first thing I thought when I saw Sclarf was 'dude, is this werewolf girl retarded?'", says Chadley. "I mean, she keep calling apples bananas and she tried to bite Dante three times. Not in a werewolf way, but in a retarded way."

     As it turned out, Sclarf was indeed retarded. Born six years ago to the young Taucomete couple, they originally named her Stephanie, but, after a doctor's appointment at which they were informed that their child had downs syndrome, they legally changed her name to Sclarf. "Stephanie is my grandmother's name and we wanted to hold on to it in case we have another child that isn't, ya know, retarded.", says proud father Bart.

     While it is common for children to be born with downs syndrome, the producers had to inquire off-screen as to how she also managed to possess werewolf biological traits. "Oh, she doesn't, really.", say Sandy. "It's just that, well, we figured since her brain was all fuckin' stupid and shit, we might as well make her look like a werewolf as well. The ship's already sank, ya know?"

     Apparently the couple paid for a very expensive medical procedure to have long dog hairs implanted in Sclarf's face, leaving no confusion as to the how they ended up birthing a mentally retarded child. ABC would like to go on record by saying that the Taucomete family should be incarcerated immediately and that this is clearly at best a situation that DSS needs to handle with quickness.

     The episode reached it's boiling point when Peppermint punched Sclarf in the stomach after the third attempt to bite him. "I aints gonna get nibbled up on by no pint sized were-bitch!", shouted Peppermint after he struck the child.

     While ratings were titanic in proportion, television critics were appauled by the glaringly obvious moral black hole that the show presented. Here are just a few of the comments made by critics:

     "Look, it was obvious that the child was retarded from the get-go. The production crew should have shut it down immediately. This is an abomination."

          - Prince Charles Foot, USA Today

     "Sure, I may beat my kids, but they're smart."  -  Leslie Grapplebaum, Phoenix Sun Journal

     "I thought we were going to be treated to a high octane show about werewolf hunting, not halloween episodes of 'Life Goes On'."

          - Richardo "Stickman" Juarez, - Mexico Today Ole!

     The network has threatened to pull the plug on the show, but are willing to give it a few more episodes to apologize for itself and show it's worth.

     "The amount of money we sunk into 'Wherewolf?' would blow your mind, so we have to at least give it another shot", says co-producer The Wobbly Gurn. "We could have fed six third world countries with the money we dished out. But we don't do that sort of thing."

- Lettuce

Western Mass Gun Enthusiasts Fail in Appreciating Subtleties of Western Mass Musicians

It was all lined up to be a perfect night for The Deep Woods Russeller’s, the self proclaimed regional militia out of Russell, Massachusetts. The groups leader Dennis Chazback, first officer Ronnie “Little Neck” Weisman, secretary Big Raj, and all around wild-card The Squeeg; all descended upon West Springfield’s entertainment district for a night of carousing and canoodling with the fine talent that stretch of route 5 has to offer.

“We’re all really horny from living in the woods with only other dudes” said club secretary and web-master Big Raj, “If you can’t get laid in west-side, you must be a wicked homo.” With these modern day boys of summer out on the town there was little that could stand in their way. “Dennis has totally boned like half the wait staff at this place, so it was like a total lock” exclaimed Ronnie “Little Neck”(He got the nick-name “Little Neck” from winning the 1988 Chester Fish and Game Club’s little neck and clamwich eating contest). He went on to say; “The Public Pickle Pub has got a kick ass juke box, cheap beer and half price apps after 10, nothing’s gunna fuck this up."

Or so Little "Ronnie" thought, because at that very moment setting up on the main stage was a sure fire panty-seeler(the opposite of panty-peeler) by the name of The Billy Gizmo Band and from the first whiny lyric sung the Russller's knew this was going to be trouble. "If I wanted to hear R.E.M. or Tom Gates I would have gone over my sensitive cousin Little Stephan's house, I mostly kick his ass and hit on his 16 year old girlfriend Trish, but he's always listening to crap music like this."

The Billy Gizmo Band Performing 'Door Bell of Dreams'

The Billy Gizmo Band famous for their 1997 hit 'Birthday Card from a Hooker in Thompsonville' have been touring the west side of the commonwealth going on 20 years now, and have the distinction of being the only band to play Geraldine's Wrinkle Wranch over 100 times.  Billy opened Thursday nights show with a rousing rendition of 'Love Car' followed by crowd teaser 'Stolen Bike, Stolen Heart'. As waves of regulars hastened to pay their tabs and vacate the premises, prospects began to look bleak for the rowdy group of gun guys, " This show was quite a let down for us" The Squeeg told this reporter "The boys and I were just coming off rocking the shit out of Foghat at the Enfield Fourth of July celebration last weekend, and scammin on a bunch of fresh talent*, now were stuck with this?."

Not all of the concert goers shared the Russell natives negative opinion. Party boy-attorney "Hip" Tobe Esquire said about the Gizmo's "This is good music for sensative chicks, too bad their are none here, pound for pound the ratio at Mungles is way better." "Hip" Tobe was later seen getting the shit stomped out of him by a 7 foot tall women of caucasian descent in the parking lot of the Pig's Inn Motor Lodge. 

Party Boy-Attorney "Hip" Tobe Esquire Fucks TWO Times

Billy and his Gizmo's continued to play until Macho Carlson regional manager of the Public Pickle cut power to the stage and said "If you assholes don't get in the back and start washing fucking dishes, you're all fired!" Bill and his band slunked quietly off the stage and into the kitchen with a combination of woe and confusion on their faces, for none of these rockers actually worked there accept for Billy and he was a salad tosser not a dish washer, but then again who's going to step to Macho Carlson, NO ONE, that's who.

 

Macho Carlson - Smooth as Milk

With the band scrubbing away and all of the female patrons run-off to Mungles the night began to wind down for The Deep Woods Russeller's. "Necky" Weisman said on his way out the door "Look here, I think Chris Isaac is a bad-ass, He's a musician and an actor, now that is fuckin cool, but this crap, it...it just made my dick sad." With dick's fully saddened, the group took leave of The Public Pickle, and drove  back to their shanty in the woods where the proceeded to have a blanket party in shame while watching a VERY used copy of Indian Summer.

 

Editors Note: The Deep Woods Russeller’s are not a nationally recognized militia, *and the afore mentioned "talent" was not so fresh.

You can teach a man to fish

And feed him for a lifetime

You can lead a horse to water

But can't teach it to drink

If you can teach a horse to fish

You better kill that fucker quick

For I am not prepared to serve as slave to our equine masters

And I have no interest in taking a horse cock anytime soon

"If the grass is always greener on your neighbors side of the fence, then break his fence and piss on that lawn, not only will your neighbor have a broken fence he'll also have a pissy lawn, now who's mossy lawn isn't looking so bad, eh' big shot."

No. No. No. This is Bullshit.

Who the fuck took a shit in my dojo? Was it you Lettuce (pictured)? I bet it was Lettuce. This is unacceptable. No shitting in my dojo. C'mon.

Oh yeah, and by the way...

Wanted - $25,000 Reward: This fuckin' guy.

For taking a dump in Ryan Morin's high tops. I don't care how long ago it was. You Nut Kids are the worst. Pound for pound the most despicable group of "friends" on the whole planet. Nothing but a glorified crew.

Oh snap, but check this shit out, while all that grime was going down, total gem Chester Blaze...

...continued to have this whole fucking city block on lockdown, lecturing on the benefits of mandatory birth control at Wellesley College, then out drinking this 400 pound security guard fuck in a Man Contest at Bogey's For the Good Times in Agawam later that night. God bless you, Chester Blaze. You're me.

Ignatius Reilly Arrested at Filene's for Boosting a Shitload of FUBU

"Yes, I admit to having the contraband on my person, however this working boy needs to let it be known that I of course had no intention of wearing such gaudy propaganda; naturally, I merely intended to burn the rags in ritualistic ceremony to protest the crass commercialization of physical standards of beauty and the exploitation of the American negro."

"They say a poor man has not two pennies to rub together, well I see a lot of poor people with front-butts, maybe you should rub those together you lousy poor people."

Michelle Obama: Still a Honey.

Lest we forget...

DUTGERS: SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA- President Barack Obama met with South Korean officials this morning amidst talks of heightened aggression from their rogue neighbor to the north, communist nation North Korea, while first lady Michelle stood by, presumedly standing there looking smokingly hot, tightening the business slacks on many, many Asian men.

The president, a middle aged man with a noticeably more salt and pepper look than the Illinois senator that almost half the nation elected, signed a contract of solidarity, to ensure that no acts of miltiary deployment would be met unreturned. Reiterating what he said in his March 16 speech, Barack stresses that

"Yeah, but that's not what bothers me about him so much," chimes in Political correspondent Coles C. Coles of https://nutkids.webnode.com. "I mean, that's not the issue we take with him, the hair, that is. That part's fine. The thing we're sayin' is-"

Silent during all this is Supreme Leader and CBS sitcom enthusiast Kim Jong-il, who, between bathroom breaks and lawsuits with Yoko Ono, continuously fails to step up his game when ladies are around. "But again, it's a smart look at any age," Coles points out. "Clooney, Richard Gere, Steve Martin. We got the numbers, we got statistics, it's a thing, y'know?"

Regardless of whatever the fuck, it's like I'm sayin' a lot of people are unhappy with the president's performance as of late, and yo. Word is bond? Maybe she one of 'em.

It's hot.

Let your Chester Blaze.

Dummy Stuff

Summer Nuts: Odes, Elegy, Haiku, and other collected works from the Dut Kids Poem Book...

I looked through the stained glass window

blue, orange, red

out into the pastures

and the plains

the farmer- oh shit, that reminds me

there's this chick at the gym i wanna put it in.

i remember the old farm.

the barns...

    the hay...

         the horses...

i banged every single one of those horses...

The freshly fallen leaves

of the first autumn day

smell like this clam chowder

that also smells like your great-aunt Carol's punan.

Some question God's plan

       ...as summer's sun gives way to winter's cold hand

I merely question...

        ...why there can't be more good retard porn.

Summer Nuts: Odes, Elegy, Haiku, and other collected works from the Dut Kids Poem Book...

From the Coles chapters;

Last week I was feeling quite sickly

In the back of my head a bit prickly,

    When no one was home

    I pulled out my best tome,

 And jerked it ever so quickly.

She sings songs in old allegory

And smells a bit like cacciatore,

     Narrator of many subjects

     On my nerves she did began to vex,

Cause she sure tells a long pizza story.

LOCAL MAN'S "DATE" AT HARTFORD, CT MOTOGRATER SHOW GOES BELLY-UP

     It was meant to be a big day for local favorite Del Eplatter. The highly talented and influential nu metal band Motograter was coming to The Webster Theatre in Hartford, Ct and it appeared as if the stars were aligning for Del.

     "With the odds heavily stacked against me, I played my ace in the hole by going online and managed to procur two veritably priceless tickets to the performance. Motograter is fuckin' sick. You can actually hear their body paint they wear in the music."

     One of the most respected Juggalos in the Western Mass clown paint music scene, the Motograter show was a natural fit for Del.

     "I would like to thank my mother for believing in me, the Taco Bell corporation for providing me with the financial means in which to fearlessly purchase the Motograter tickets, and everyone at the World Wide Internet for giving me the opportunity to attain the tickets. I'm losing my mind, I really fuckin' am. When I got the confirmation email for my ticket purchase I shit. I honestly shit."

     As with any delicious cake that tastes like Motograter's music, the frosting on the treat was to give the other ticket to co-worker Natasha for Del. A long time rejecter of Del's slarthy 4th meal advances, Natasha was skeptical about the invitation to the show.

     "At the time of the propsed evening, I was ready to say no. Who the fuck is Motograter?", says Natasha of the courting process.

     Undeterred by Natasha's ignorance in reguards to the matter of Motograter, Del insisted that "they were simply going as friends and nothing more than that". After repeated claims about Motograter's bad-assness, Natasha reluctantly agreed to attend the concert.

     "I'll admit the ride to the venue was strained at best.", says Natasha. "Del drove really fast and was blasting Days of the New the whole time while telling me that he thought about killing himself and his mother's boyfriend Rikk last month. Also, I think he was wearing eyeliner. He smelled like bologna. I'm pretty sure he was wearing eyeliner."

     The evening only got worse once they arrived at the show. "During the opening band, a group of guys pushed Del into me and laughed, which he responded by screaming 'I am looking at a bunch of faggots, You look like three faggots.'", says a shaken Natasha recounting the incident.

     "Ok, look, the incident involving these supposed  faggot accusations has been completely blown out of proportion. A juggalo calls it like he sees it. While I wish those three gentlemen success in their future endeavors, at the time it was my evaluation that they were indeed three faggots.", says Del in reguards to the matter.

      The night boiled over during the encore, Attemtping to seize his opportunity to take his and Natasha's relationship to the next level, Del attempted to make out with Natasha.

     "No no no no NO! I already told you guys that I have never been interested in Del that way. Especially after sweating at a concert all night, Del smelled like bologna dipped in dead animals. And, jesus, do you have any idea how often this man shits? It's like he's trying to break a record.", says a disgusted Natasha.

     We were able to reach Del for some final thoughts on the tragic events of the Motograter concert. "Natasha's a whore. This injustice she has brought upon me is without any legitimate provocation and speaks volumes of her whore ways. There is a 73% chance that I will do physical harm to her within the next three to six weeks."

- Pitch Black Lettuce

The Stimulated Package

Summer Nuts: Odes, Elegy, Haiku, and other collected works from the Dut Kids Poem Book

The cubs make their egress

from the caves

after long, cold months of self-imposed exile

they lick the final patches of snow

and like the way it feels on their tongue

like a buddy of mine

likes to get his salad tossed.

The old woman knits away at her endless quilt.

The years grow onto it longer, and longer.

And she sits there, year after year...

knitting...

and gives a mean gum job.

Admitted Cat Guy Manages to Hold On To Self-Respect

"Dude, I really don't have the energy for this right now," says Lettuce O'Toole, contributing author and out and proud cat enthusiast. "Whatever. I got a ton of shit going on, and I could care less. So many woes. My bone woes are just the tip of the iceberg."

Meanwhile, local hotshot Chester Blaze...

..came extremely correct this weekend, bowling a perfect game at Katz' Alleys and picking up your stepmom at an airport bar in the Delta corridor of O'Hare International. What was the Western Mass native doing at a Chicago based flight nexus? That's just Chester Blaze. He could be anywhere, anytime.

Stimulus Package

LOCAL MAN ARRESTED FOR METAL STYLE BEATING ON MOTHER'S BOYFRIEND

     CHIOCPEE, MA RESIDENT DEL EPLATTER WAS ARRESTED AT 2:37 IN THE AFTERNOON AT A CONDO COMPLEX RIGHT OFF OF MEMORIAL DRIVE YESTERDAY AFTER TOSSING A HEADBANGER'S BALL-ESQUE BEATING AT HIS MOTHER'S BOYFRIEND RIKK.

     "RIKK ISN'T MY DAD. MY MOTHER SAYS MY DAD LEFT TO GO DO SECRET GOVERNMENT SPY STUFF IN HONG KONG AND THAT THE HUGE KICK ASS BAG OF SKITTLES I GET EVERY CHRISTMAS IS FROM HIM. MY DAD IS A CHAMPION. RIKK ISN'T MY DAD.", SAYS DEL.

     DEL'S MOTHER, FULEEEEEESHEEA EPLATTER, SAYS THE BRUTAL METAL-INSPIRED BEATDOWN HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING, AS TENSIONS BETWEEN RIKK AND DEL HAVE BEEN MOUNTING EVER SINCE THE INFAMOUS SEPULTURA CD SNAPPING.

     "I HAD TO CANCEL MY HEALTH INSURANCE TO BUY THE IMPORT VERSION OF SEPULTURA'S ARISE ALBUM. THIS INCIDENT IS TRAGIC TO METAL FANS AROUND THE WORLD.", CLAIMED DEL RIGHT AFTER THE CD SNAPPING OCCURED. "MY GIRLFRIEND NATASHA SAID SHE WOULD BUY ME A NEW COPY FOR ARBOR DAY, BUT IT'S THE INEXORIABLE PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER THAT REALLY STINGS. MY GIRLFRIEND. MY GIRLFRIEND", SAYS DEL.

     THE BOYFRIEND, RIKK SPRULP, HAS BEEN THE MANAGER AT THE ORANGE JULIUS AT THE MALL FOR OVER TWO YEARS NOW AND FEELS THAT DEL COULD LEARN RESPONSIBILITY FROM HIS EXAMPLE. "SHIT MAN, I SNAPPED THAT STUPID CD COLLECTION CAUSE THAT FAT SHIT DEL CANCELLED HIS HEALTH INSURANCE, AND THEN THE NEXT WEEK BROKE HIS FINGER APPARENTLY KICKING MAJOR ASS IN A SLIPKNOT PIT AND I HAD TO FOOT THE HOSPITAL BILL. WHILE I RESPECT DEL'S DESIRE TO KICK ASS IN A SLIPKNOT PIT, THE ALLEGATIONS HE MADE ABOUT THE SEVERITY OF THE ASS KICKING HE WAS HANDING OUT REMAINS TO BE SUBSTANTIATED AND IS MERELY BOASTS OF BRAVADO AND OPINION AT THIS CURRENT JUNCTURE. FUCK DEL."

     RIKK, PICTURED ABOVE, IS A FORMER THREE TIME KIDDIE POOL DIP CHAMPION. "YEAH, I'VE GOT ALL MY TROPHIES ABOVE MY FIREPLACE, AND BOY LET ME TELL YOU, I EARNED ALL OF THEM. THE SECOND ESPECIALLY WAS A DOOZY. IN THE FINALS I WENT AGAINST THIS NIGERIAN FELLOW, AN ETHNIC INVITEE THAT I PERSONALLY TOOK ISSUE WITH, WHO REALLY PUT THE HEAT TO THE HAMBURGER, SO TO SPEAK. BUT, IN THE END I EMERGED THE WINNER. THEY DON'T CALL ME RIKK THE TICK FER NUTHIN'.", SAYS RIKK OF HIS VICTORIES.

     THE ASSAULT CHARGE TOOK PLACE YESTERDAY WHEN RIKK, AT HOME LOUNGING IN HIS CUSTOM MADE KIDDIE POOL ("ITS MADE FROM REAL LEATHER", SAYS RIKK), SAW DEL COME STAMPING INTO THE BACK YARD.

     "I LOOKED THAT PIECE OF SHIT RIKK IN THE EYES, SCREAMED 'YOU BETTER WALK ON HOME, BOY', CAUSE, YA KNOW, FUCKIN' PANTERA AND SHIT, RIGHT? I THEN PROCEEDED TO BEAT HIM WITH TACO MEAT, FIRE SAUCE, AND A CROWBAR. I HAD BEEN LISTENING TO COALCHAMBER RIGHT BEFORE COMING OVER AT MY GIRLFRIEND'S, MY GIRLFRIEND'S, AND WAS PREPARED TO DO THE DAMAGE NECESSARY.", SAYS DEL OF THE INCIDENT.

     THE POLICE ARRIVED SHORTLY AFTER A CALL FROM A NEIGHBOR. "THE BEATING WAS INCREDIBLY SAVAGE", SAYS NEIGHBOR DUDLEY INCENSE. "IT LOOKED LIKE THE TYPE OF BEATING A DUDE WOULD CATCH FOR SNAPPING A SEPULTURA CD."

     WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENTS ON THE MATTER AND AN EVALUATION OF DEL'S CHARACTER IN GENERAL, HIS GIRLFRIEND NATASHA SIMPLY REMARKED BY SAYING "UGH. FOR THE FIFTIETH TIME I AM NOT DEL'S GIRLFRIEND. WE WORK TOGETHER AT TACO BELL AND HANG OUT SOMETIMES. I KEEP TELLING HIM I AM NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND BUT HE JUST KEEPS TRYING TO BUY ME TICKETS TO MOTOGRATER. I AM NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND."

-LETTUCE

Summer Nuts: Odes, Elegy, Haiku, and other collected works from the Dut Kids Poem Book...

Poem #3. The electric bugaloo.

--------------------------------------

The mountains lose their color.

Fade.

And fall black

As the sun goes down

Like your mother.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Poem 4.

the children

run around at play.

hop-scotch.

leap frog.

they play

all day

and I beat off.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Poem 5: Another One.

the night smelled of smoke

and charcoal

one of hundreds of sweaty July nights

and you should lick my sweaty July sack.

The Stimulus Package

Ignatius Reilly Claims Shenanigans on Pretzel Kiosk

“The unscrupulous heisters that think six dollars is a reasonable asking price for a hot dog wrapped in a pretzel are sorely mistaken AND will be hearing from my attorneys forth-with!”

The owners of Mondo Pretzel could not be reached for comment, but 3^rd week employee Petey was quoted as saying “That fat guy was a real dick, he reached over the counter and dipped his soft-baked weenie in the clarified butter”.

LOCAL MAN PUTS UP A BIG STINK

     LOCAL CHICOPEE, MA RESIDENT, DEL EPLATTER, HAS BEEN CAUSING QUITE THE COMMOTION AROUND TOWN AS OF LATE, DUE TO AN OVERWHELMING INCREASE IN UNSANITARY SCENTS CAUSED BY AN ACCELERATED LACK OF PERSONAL HYGENE.

     "MY PARENTS GOT DIVORCED AND I HAD BEEN LIVING IN THE BASEMENT OF MY MA'S CONDO, BUT HER NEW BOYFRIEND RIKK IS A COMPLETE SHIT AND HE SNAPPED ALL OF MY SEPULTURA CDS IN HALF. RIKK IS A PIECE OF CRAP AND HE THINKS HE'S HOT SHIT CAUSE HE MANAGES THE ORANGE JULIUS AT THE MALL. FUCK HIM.", SAYS DEL.

     LEFT WITH NO CHOICE BUT TO TAKE ON EXTRA SHIFTS AT THE TACO BELL ON MEMORIAL DRIVE THAT HE WORKS AT, DEL HAS BEEN PULLING 80 HOUR WORK WEEKS JUST TO PAY FOR THE APARTMENT HE'S BEEN RENTING AS OF LATE.

     "TACO BELL IS ACTUALLY A PRETTY SWEET JOB. AFTER TEN AT NIGHT THEY LET ME LISTEN TO MY DAMAGEPLAN AND ALL THAT REMAINS CDS. ALSO, I GET ALL THE FREE FOOD I WANT, WHICH IS SICK AS HELL CAUSE I DON'T MAKE THAT MUCH AND IT SAVES ME MONEY ON, LIKE, GROCERIES AND STUFF."

     WHILE IT SOUNDS THAT DEL HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT, ONE PROBLEM HAS ARISEN IN LIGHT OF ALL THIS. DUE TO THE LONG HOURS AT WORK, DEL IS USUALLY SO TIRED WHEN HE GETS HOME FROM WORK THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TIME OR THE ENERGY TO SHOWER AFTER A 13 HOUR DAY. ALSO, DUE TO THE DIET CONSISTING OF EXCLUSIVELY TACO BELL, DEL HAS SEEN A SIGNIFICANT RISE IN THE FREQUENCY OF HIS BOWEL MOVEMENTS.

     "IF I HAD TO MAKE AN EDUCATED GUESS, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY, AT THIS POINT, MY SHIT TO SHOWER RATIO IS SOMEWHERE AROUND 7 TO 1.", SAYS DEL. THE PROBLEM THAT HAS OCCURED BECAUSE OF THIS IS DAYS OF "GOING NUMBER TWO" WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF A SHOWER. PLUS, GIVEN DEL'S SIZE, THERE ARE UNFORTUNATELY A PLETHORA OF HIDING SPOTS FOR "HANGER ONS" TO HIDE WITHOUT PROPER AND PERIODIC SCRUBBING.

     "YEAH, PEOPLE HAVE COMPLAINING MORE LATELY WHENEVER I GO TO, SAY, WALMART OR TOWN FAIR TIRE, BUT WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I AM SIMPLY EXHAUSTED WHEN I GET HOME AND USUALLY JUST CRAWL INTO BED RIGHT AWAY."

     WHEN ASKED WHEN HE EXPECTS TO BE BACK ON A MORE CONSISTENT SHOWERING SCHEDULE, OR AT LEAST A SLIGHTLY HEALTHIER DIET, DEL RESPONDED BY SAYING "WELL, IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE FISCAL YEAR, BUT I  DO HAVE HIGH HOPES FOR A RAISE IN THE COMING MONTHS, OR AT THE VERY LEAST A DROP IN THE PRICE OF RAMEN NOODLES."

-LETTUCE

WITH THE LOSS OF NETWORK FLAGSHIP SHOW "LOST", ABC LOOKS TO ENTICE VIEWERS WITH BOLD NEW SHOW

      IT'S OFTEN HARD FOR A TELEVISION NETWORK TO MAINTAIN VIEWERSHIP ONCE A LANDMARK FINISHES ITS RUN. THIS IS A PROBLEM THE EXECUTIVES AT THE ABC NETWORKS HAVE FACED IN THE WEEKS SINCE THE SERIES FINALE OF LONG RUNNING HIT SHOW LOST LEFT THE AIRWAVES. A MENAGERIE OF SHOWS HAVE BEEN PITCHED, THE PROVERBIAL SPAGHETTI BEING THROWN AGAINST THE WALL TO SEE WHAT STICKS.

     "WE'VE EXPLORED EVERY OPTION AVAILABLE FOR A NEW SERIES TO FILL THE VOID LEFT BY LOST", EXPLAINS ABC PRODUCER BURGESS LURGE. THE NETWORK PAINSTAKINGLY TOILED OVER PILOT AFTER PILOT BEFORE STUMBLING ACROSS WHAT THEY BELIEVE TO BE THE ANSWER TO THEIR PROGRAMMING PROBLEMS.

     "WE WERE APPROACHED BY A LESSER KNOWN TELEVISION PERSONALITY WITH A RATHER INTRIGUING CONCEPT AND, AFTER MONTHS OF SCREEN TESTS AND SCRIPT WRITING, WE FEEL WE'VE DISCOVERED A WINNER.", CLAIMS LURGE. THE SAVIOR CAME IN THE FORM OF A MAN BY THE NAME OF SEYMOUR PRUNCE CHADLEY (PICTURED BELOW).

     CHADLEY, A DEVOTED CREATURE CHASER, HAS BEEN OBSESSED WITH THE EXISTENCE OF CLASSIC MONSTERS, SOME WELL KNOWN AND OTHERS NOT SO MUCH, SINCE CHILDHOOD.

     "THE QUESTION ISN'T 'HAVE I SEEN DRACULA, LA CHUBA CABRA, OR THE MUMMY' SO MUCH AS 'WHEN HAVEN'T I SEEN THESE BEASTS OF LEGEND'", SAYS CHADLEY. HAVING BEEN SUBJECT TO CONSTANT RIDICULE OF THE YEARS, CHADLEY FURTHER OFFERS THE FOLLOWING ARGUMENT: "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER? NO? WELL, HOW THEN DO YOU FEEL YOU ARE QUALIFIED TO JUDGE WHETHER OR NOT I HAVE. IT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU HAD NEVER TASTED A TOMATO IN YOUR LIFE THEN WENT ON TO TELL ME I DIDN'T RECREATE MY NANA'S MARINARA SAUCE RECIPE TO A TEE. IF YOU WERE TO MAKE THAT ARGUMENT TO ME, I WOULD SAY IT WAS UNEDUCATED, UNIFORMED, AND UTTERLY INSULTING TO MY NANA'S SAUCE. GAM GAM CHADLEY WAS THE PEARL OF VENICE. SO I SAY 'GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR'."

     SEYMOUR FRONTED A LOCAL ARKANSAS METAL BAND CALLED BONE PATROL FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS, BEFORE BEING THROWN OUT OF THE BAND BY THE OTHER MEMBERS WHO GOT TIRED OF HIS CONSTANT FASCINATION WITH THE MYTHICAL CREATURES HE CLAIMS TO HAVE HAD RUN INS WITH. "AFTER A WHILE WE REACHED OUR LIMIT WITH HIS CONSTANT BRAGGING ABOUT BEATING THE SMOG MONSTER AT CHECKERS AND CLAIMS OF DRAG RACING THE KING TUT'S MUMMY. ALSO, HE INSISTED THAT WE CALL HIM 'THE PRUNCE', HIS MIDDLE NAME, THAT HE CLAIMED MEANT 'THE LION WHO DANCES WITH THE MONSTERS OF OLD'. HIS CLAIMS SIMPLY BECAME PREPOSTEROUS AND WE HAD TO ASK HIM TO LEAVE THE GROUP", SAYS BASSIST CHUNK BUNDLE.

     UNWILLING TO LET HIS OUSTING BE THE RUIN OF HIM, SEYMOUR CAME UP WITH THE CONCEPT FOR THE SHOW HE EVENTUALLY PITCHED TO ABC, ABOUT THE ONE CREATURE HE HAD YET TO HAVE A PERSONAL ENCOUNTER WITH: THE WOLFMAN. THUS, THE GROUNDWORK WAS LAID FOR THE SHOW THAT EVENTUALLY BECAME "WHEREWOLF?: LOOKING FOR THE LEADER OF THE PACK".

     "WE KNEW HAD A GOLD MINE IN CHADLEY AND HIS SHOW, WE JUST NEEDED A PEFECT SIDE KICK TO CREATE AN ON-AIR CHEMISTRY TO TAKE THE SHOW TO THE NEXT LEVEL", EXPLAINS LURGE. AND THE ELEMENT THAT WOULD CREATE THAT CHEMICAL REACTION OF SUCCESS CAME TO THEM IN THE FORM OF CHICAGO NATIVE, DANTE PEPPERMINT (PICTURED BELOW).

     PEPPERMINT, A CHICAGO AREA MOUTH JAZZ MUSICIAN, BRINGS AN ELECTRICITY TO THE SHOW THAT IT DESPERATELY NEEDED. "LOOKIE HERE, LOOKIE HERE", BOASTS PEPPERMINT, "MAYBE IN A TENSE MOMENT, WHENS WE'S LOOKING FOR WOLFSMENS, MAYBE I BUST OUT WITH A LITTLE 'BREEEEP SNOP ZING BING' TO MAYBE SEXIFY THE SHOW, TO MAYBE LET THEMS WOLFSMENS KNOW THAT 'YOU MAYS BE MYTHIC AS FUCKS, WOLFSMENS, BUT DANTE PEPPERMINT IS HOT ON THE MUTHA FUCKIN' TRAIL'". AS PART OF THE AGREEMENT FOR PEPPERMINT'S PARTICIPATION IN THE SHOW, IT'S IN HIS CONTRACT THAT AT THE END OF EACH EPISODE, DANTE GETS TO MAKE OUT WITH A HOT CHICK. "WIT A NAME LIKES PEPPERMINT, YOU'S KNOWS I BE SWEET AS SHIT, SO FOR ONE OF, ONE OF DEM FINE LITTLE CHICKEN HEADS OUT THERE INS WOLFSMENS COUNTRY GONNA, YA KNOW, GET HOOKED THE FUCKS UP."

     THE PILOT OF EPISODE OF "WHEREWOLF?" IS SET TO AIR NEXT MONTH, AND VIEWERS CAN EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. "OVER THE COURSE OF THE SEASON, SHIT GOES DOWN, MAN" SAYS CHADLEY, "I DON'T WANNA REVEAL TOO MUCH, BUT A FEW TEASERS ARE THAT IN ONE EPISODE THE WOLFMAN SLASHES MY TIRES, AND IN ANOTHER EPISODE DANTE GETS SHOT. DON'T WORRY, HE LIVES."

     WHEREWOLF? INDEED. EITHER WAY, THE BOYS ARE ON THE CASE.

-LETTUCE

Area Man Finishes 2nd in Rosie O'Donnell Look-A-Like Contest

Summer Nuts: Odes, Elegy, Haiku, and other collected works from the Dut Kids Poem Book...

-------------------------------

the ripe, crimson cherries

hung from the tree

like my nuts.

Summer Nuts: Odes, Elegy, Haiku, and other collected works from the Dut Kids Poem Book...

There once was a man named Sir Dutsted

Who lived to be over a hundred

    He said, "Though I'm gross,

    and my grapes touch my toes

In all that time, I never once nutted."

As part of our ongoing personal interest series 'Slice of Life' here at NOTTNKS we are going to highlight a bright young foreign lad who's really making a name for himself on the international travel scene lately. Someone who in his short years has helped bolster interest in the small Caribbean nation of Aruba, made hundreds of international television appearances and even started his own business.

Ever the symbol of modesty this fine young man asked to be referred to under his travel alias EasyLover2005 to keep his low profile and avoid the unnecessary publicity that comes from being interviewed by such a highly publicized news outlet as ourselves. When we last joined our world traveler, he was back in his homeland of the Nederland's, making television appearances and working in what he described as the traffic business, no doubt in this reporters mind helping clean up the busy highways and by-ways for his Danish countrymen.

Much like the mythical Danish hero Beowulf, EasyLover2005 cuts a swath of wonderment and titillation across the globe, figuratively beheading the Grendel's Mother's of the world that would seek to hinder his conquests. His inspiration has lead thousands of stout-hearted travelers to descend upon the island of Aruba to this day, just to retrace his footsteps and try to find a shred of the magic left by this wander-man. His next scheduled jaunt is to celebrate the five year anniversary of the Aruban vacation that put him on the map with an odyssey to main land Peru. Even with millions of tourists traveling to Peru to enjoy the ancient cultures and breath-taking nightlife, we here at NOTTNKS think he should have no trouble at all making a proverbial splash on the Peruvian scene.

Here's hoping that this fine young man can continue to be an inspiration to all serial travelers, and stop by soon for another 'Slice of Life' where we are always meeting fascinating suspects, I mean subjects and learning about what keeps them on the run. This has been Davik Q Corgroope signing off. (Editors Note; Article post dated to May 31 2010) 

                          America's Got Talent (not pictured)

Dut-finitions #1

Dut: the ashy by-product of a meatfire.

usage: "Jesus, boy, it's startin' to smell like some DUT up in here!"

Dut-finitions #2

Meatfire: what you start by rubbing two dicks together.

usage: "Goddamnit, son, it smells like y'all are startin' a real MEATFIRE up in here!"

LOCAL FOLK MUSICIAN STRUGGLES TO UNDERSTAND FOLK SCENE'S RELUCTANCE

    CAT STEVENS-INSPIRED FOLK SINGER DON TAZEMIBREAU HAD JUST SPENT THE PREVIOUS 16 MONTHS RECORDING WHAT HE CONSIDERED TO BE HIS PLANTATIVE FOLK MUSIC OPUS "WHEN THE WATERBIRDS LAND, THE PEAR TREES REJOICE" AND WAS AMPED UP FOR THE ALBUM RELEASE PARTY AT CHICAGO'S LEGENDARY TROUBADEUR BARISTA THE OX WAGON WHEN HE CALLED HIS MANAGER, DR. RUSSELL STOFERS F.B. PIZZA, SIMPLY TO RECEIVE THE ALARMING NEWS THAT HE HAD SOLD NOT A SINGLE PRE-SALE TICKET TO THE SHOW.

    "I'VE BEEN IN THE FOLK GAME A LONG TIME AND HAVE MAINTAINED THE STYLE'S PURITY AS MUCH AS ANYONE. HOW MANY MORE OF THESE ABYSMAL RECORD RELEASE CONCERTS DO I HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH BEFORE PEOPLE START ACTUALLY LISTENING TO MY MUSIC?"

    MANY CRITICS SITE TAZEMIBREAU'S UNCONVENTIONAL APPEARANCE FOR A FOLK SINGER AS A SOURCE FOR THE MUSIC SCENE'S RELUCTANCE TO EMBRACE HIS MUSIC, AS SUCH BREATHTAKING TRACKS LIKE "GRANDA'S GONE DOWN TO THE RIVER BANK WITH A PIG ON THE SPIT", "THE CAPTAIN, THE FIREWATER, AND THE PICKLE BARREL", AND "CAW CAW (A BIRD'S LAMENT)". HIGHLY RESPECTED FOLK MUSIC CRITIC FRANK LEE ISHAKE GAVE TAZEMIBREAU'S NEWEST ALBUM A PERFECT TEN, CLAIMING THAT IT WAS THIS GENERATION'S "THE TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'".

   DESPITE THIS PRAISE, DON REMAINS LARGELY UNHEARD, A TRAVESTY HE TAKES IN STRIDE AS BEST HE CAN. "I'LL JUST KEEP WRITING THE BEST ALBUMS I CAN, AND LEAVE THE REST IN GOD'S HANDS."

-Lettuce

LOCAL KARATE EXPERT TREATS DATE TO AN EXHIBITION

IN THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING

"My karate puts women in hospitals"

-Lettuce

Ignatius Reilly Thinks Drive-Thru Burger Joint Employee Got It Backwards

" 'It is YOU who is the "Faggy-Looking" one, D'Artagnan!' I will yell as I thrust my keychain blade into his smug, self-satisfied jugular!"

Dummy Stuff

Found some fresh mozzerella that I bought a month ago in the back of the fridge. I don't even know what you'd CALL that.

"Comedy" Site Calls For the Death of Justin Bieber

I got a fin on it. Maybe I can scrounge up a ten. Let's make this happen.

Kimbo Slice Markets Own Line of Jheri Curl Beard Juice, Collects Unemployment Checks...

 and that is IT.

STIMULUS PACKAGE 

Coles Law # 1 - Mayonnaise + Anything = Salad

 The very first law of Coles, the crux of my biscuit, the nook of my cranny, my raisin-detuwa, is that anything mixed with mayonnaise will makes salad. Simple, coleslaw, it’s a mixed of cabbage, other crudités and mayonnaise. If you are still not getting it please follow along; 

Mayonnaise + Anything = Salad

Mayonnaise + Tuna = Tuna Salad

Mayonnaise + Ham = Ham Salad

Mayonnaise + Man in the shower covered in chocolate pudding while having another salad of lettuce and mayo dumped on him = Man Salad

Mayonnaise + A different man in the shower covered in chocolate pudding, standing in a footbath of lettuce, mayonnaise and manly leavings, along with a drunk chick, lets call her “The Twirnt” = Gross, just, just gross, flat out discusting, shouldn’t happen in a world.

So that’s pretty much it for rule number one, get yourself some mayo, something thing else(for the society’s sake lets avoid our last example) and mix that shit up!

Coles

Men's Warehouse Quickly Axes Proposed Line of Hillary-Themed Pantsuits, 'The Rod-Ham Collection'.

" 'Ill-concieved' doesn't even begin to describe it," says Tyrone B. Fnoodles, spokesman for the clothing retailer giant.  "This was just a goddamned disaster. I mean look at this kid. Just... just look at him..."

The Stimulus Package   

Dummy Stuff

-Shower clogged? Free footbath. Problem solved.

Ignatius Reilly Incensed by Result of Thursday’s Final Jeopardy Question 

“The idiocy of this television program knows no bounds. Superman does not work for any newspaper! Clark Kent however works for The Daily Planet.” After some research, sources told us that it was not Jeopardy that Reilly was watching, but an August 1992 repeat of "Legends of The Hidden Temple".

Local Racist Loves Don Cheadle

DUTGERS-  The quiet community of Long Meddowe, Massachusetts was rocked yesterday by the announcement that local boy Isaac Danielson has gone public with his admiration of the "Hotel Rwanda" and "Golden Palace" star.

"Cheeds!" proclaimed the awestruck Danielson, moments before the scene where Cheadles tries to move hi-fi speakers by swaying suggestively to pre-fab '79 era C & W radio. "It's fucking Cheeds!!!"

The residents of Long Meddowe, a quiet, affluent suburb just south of Springfield, has always kept their racism "up in your grill" despite the current trend to sweep it "under the rug." Needless to say, Daniel, former gramma enthusiast and aspiring fast food patron, has made other locals question what their hard earned reputation of laisse-faire racism really means.

"Nah. I'm an honest man," said Cheif Ari Novitski of the Long Meddowe Police precinct, "if I see a guy who's Bulgarian or something, like even just a little? I'm gonna have to be all like, 'Dude, you gotta... you gotta go. Seriously, bro, just get out.' It's just not that kind of community. I mean, Bulgarian? What the fuck even is that? Does that even exist?"

Unswayed, Danielson proclaimed 1997's "Volcano" to be the very "best movie on right now" despite the Oscar TM nominated actor's limited involvement in Mick Jackson's minor disaster epic. "It's got Cheeds in it! He's gonna do shit and say shit!"

Time will tell how this move affects the futures of Mr. Danielson, the promising career of Mr. Cheadle, or the remaining racists in Western Mass or the world as a whole.

"Nope. Don't buy it." Novitski continues. "Just cuz some yellow fruit with a remote control decides he like the guy from 'Big Momma's House' that he speaks for all of us? I'll fuckin'...I'll fuckin'... sew his assho- what? The guy who played Sammy D in the 'Rat Pack' movie? Oh yeah, that guy's excellent! No wonder! Yeah, I back that guy at all costs, that's the dude from 'Boogie Nights' right? With the cowboy bit and the- yeah, I know that dude. He's great."

-Bino

Ignatius Reilly Smells Something Fishy Afoot @ Starkist

"As I have already informed you people, I only enjoy your product when my mother makes it, which means your operation is effectively crippled without her. I will expect a monthly residual check or your letter of resignation immediately!"

Dummy Stuff

-Every time you rub a front-butt, my man Angel on Belmont orders wings...

Gulf Oil Spill Will Affect Seafood Prices -Future Sloppy Dips In Jeopardy 

While most of the world is watching to see how the price at the pump will soar from this most recent oil spill, this working boy is waiting to see what effect this will have on another of the gulf’s resources: crab. With seafood already one of the most expensive proteins on the market, we could be in for astronomical repercussions due to British Petroleum’s latest blunder. Rumors of seafood stock-piling have already begun to fly leaving this nut to wonder what kind of questionable quality crustaceans will be eating in the not so distant future.

But still bigger questions loom - What effect will this have on crawfish boils? Will there be any crab to make a sloppy dips? Who is going to pay for all of the claw crackers? And when will we use all of this clarified butter?

-Coles

25 Things You Never Knew About Frankenberry

19. Eats anything with the number 2 in it.

18. Holds the patent on “Flame-Retardant Shoulder Pads” AND the laser background on grade school photos.

17. Born and raised in Ludlow, Mass (Go Lions!)

16. Fluent in Urdu. Knows some Spanish but understands more than he speaks.

15. Hates theatre majors.

14. Once ate the “K.K. Steakaway’s Old Man River Sandwich”, 3 lbs. of roast beef, 1 lb. of coleslaw, pound and a half of fresh cut crinkle fries, large diet Coke. Disqualified for being reanimated flesh, but they let him keep the t-shirt anyway (it was lousy with mayo).

13. Avid pet hunter.

11. Loves Meg Ryan, hates Tom Hanks. This has been an ongoing problem, and he’s working on it.

10. Practicing beer snob…

9. …but loved Pabst Blue Ribbon before the hipsters caught wind of it. Takes credit for its reemergence into pop culture.

8. Suffers from nasal Tourette’s. It’s not cool.

7. Has a subscription to “Bent and Wiggly Monthly”.

6. Thought the TV show “The Munsters” probably got it closer to real life than anyone.

5. Cries during game shows.

4. Has wet knees.

3. “Full House” fan. Uncle Joey trivia buff. Ask him anything.

And the Number 1 thing you need to know about Frankenberry to continue on with your life…

1. Dabbles in the Occult. Kept him from entering politics. Que malo.

-Bino

RETRO Frankenberry – Count Chocula Commercial 1970s

Sorry So Sloppy: "Creature Feature From the Wack Lagoon"

An Oldy but Goodie...

-Sorry So Sloppy

  (music and lyrics: Eric Racicot, Bino Burrito Berdino Bambino)

Dut, Dut, Dut, MEATFIRE!

Posted April 15, 2010 Comments(0)

-Bino

Obama to Meet Glenn Beck in Haiti to Discuss Health Care Reform Bill

Posted March 28, 2010

Sorry So Sloppy: Howie Deux

 -Sorry So Sloppy

    (music & lyrics: Bino)

I can’t go to school, mom. I’m too sic semper tyrannis.

Posted February 21, 2010 Comments(2)

Touchy, touchy.

Sarah Palin hates “Family Guy”. Not because its quality has gone downhill slightly since its second return after the Superbowl 2005. Not because it’s becoming as formulaic as its arch-rival “South Park”. Not because she’s a diehard “Simpsons” fan and has hated it all along like Murph and my man Gaudreau. No, she has waited to speak out about its insensitivity now because it has hit close to her sub-Arctic home.

The episode this past Sunday featured a character with Down syndrome making a passing remark about being the daughter of the former governor of Alaska. One thing to note is that the former vice-presidential candidate DOES have a child with this condition…

…but it’s also important to note that the voice-over actress who performed the part, Andrea Fay Friedman…
whom I feel it’s important to note guest starred on “Life Goes On” as Corky’s love interest…

…ALSO has the condition. It’s also worth noting that the same actress insists “Palin does not have a sense of humor.”

Most importantly, though, is that Palin can rot. This is the same person who, in her auto-biography “Going Rogue”, wrote “I especially love moose and caribou. I always remind people from outside our state that there’s plenty of room for all Alaska’s animals — right next to the mashed potatoes.”

Not a vegan. Never was. But I also don’t ask for egg-shell sensitivity for my push-button issues while blowing down other little piggies’ houses. I will also never fly the flag of a carniverous lifestyle when the grotesque brutality of the meat industry in this world is antithetical to our psychic evolution, and hinges upon our ostrich heads never leaving the sand. The hypocrisy alone. If humans were to start offering ourselves to the cycle, reintroduce ourselves willingly back into the food chain, it may be a good for us. I’m game! I’ll dive right in the like the REAL finale of “Little Shop of Horrors”. But I’d like some assurance that I’d be spearheading a movement that would soon include bumper-sticker liberals who eat meat but bash hunting, anyone who’s planning on voting Palin in 0′twelve, and the entire cast of “Jersey Shore”.

it was good enough for Mola Ram…

UMass Senior's Game Found Dead at Party on East Hadley St.

DUTGERS: Amherst, Massachusetts: Police are confirming reports that they responded to a call Saturday night claiming one party goer's "game" appeared to have perished in the midst of an otherwise triumphant fiesta. When they arrived at the scene, Apt. 27-D in the newly constructed Hangdown Sights townhouse villiage, they found the game long since expired.

College senior Chevy D'Lerschup, who was spending his winter vacation on his friend's couch instead of going home to upstate New York to work at his dad's model train store, was the closest on the scene, still on the couch mourning the loss of a once promising game he had recently been in possession of.

"Dude, Chevy's not just some chump, I've seen him crunch some numbers, but oh shit, I can't imagine anyone hasn't heard about this already, and that's...that's it for him," says friend and eyewitness Richard Greendick. "He was so close to laying in on this chick with lacrosse gear, and he was working on her all night even though she was like a five, maybe a seven if she wasn't wearing her little costume, but like it's winter break so what the fuck you know, and he's making out with her on the couch when our boy T-Note shows up, and we haven't seen him since he graduated and we're all like 'what the fuck?' and he gets up real quick to high five him, when all of a sudden he busts the rankest ass ever witnessed. It was hil-fucking-larious. And she was still sitting on the couch so she was like at eye-level with my man's ass, I mean she could probably see it it was so nasty. Homegirl just up and vacates, and Chevy's like 'what?!?' I mean he didn't say it, his face just went white and he's like looking around for someone to blame it on and...oh shit. It was the best."

D'Lerschup, who was considering taking the five year plan just to "crunch V for another year"